Catalyst
by Phoenixian
Summary: As a new recruit to the order Lily has put her entire life behind her, while elsewhere James faces challenges of his own. When their paths cross unexpectedly the Marauders soon learn the true meaning of resistance.
1. Trapped

**August 1977- Town of Lavenham, Suffolk, England**

"Prongs! Duck!"

James dropped mid step, rolling aside as his friend's curse flew over his head, a grunt of pain and a dull thud and a splash telling him that his pursuer had fallen. He rose fluidly from the mud, turning to return the favor as the death eater's fellow took the chance to sneak up on Sirius. Their opponents down, the two tore off up the dark street, laughing despite themselves, wands clutched tightly in hand. Rain fell on their heads but they took no notice of it as they ran, raising the puddles beneath their feet, soaking them further as they stuck close to the edge of the street, eyes peeled for movement.

Crash!

The wall next to them exploded in a shower of sparks and falling rubble, throwing both men through the air along with the debris and ropes of fire that seemed immune to the pouring rain. James hit the pavement hard, taking his breath away, his head snapping back painfully against the hard stone, dazing him. He rolled away from the falling flames, his head pulsing painfully as he caught sight of at least a dozen death eaters at the end of the lane. He could feel them watching him as they advanced, gliding across the stones as a single unit. He and Sirius were greatly outnumbered and he wondered if this time there would be no lucky escape.

"Prongs!"

Sirius was standing and reached out to drag James to his feet. They pressed themselves against the nearest wall, both breathing hard, lucky both to be unhurt and to have their wands intact.

"I don't suppose you have a plan here?" Sirius asked in a would be casual voice, blinking against the darkness of the night.

James chuckled darkly. "I think we might have greatly overestimated our abilities on this one."

"We always do" Sirius replied easily. "Listen, If we don't get out of this one James..."

"Oi!"

Both men jumped, eyes sweeping the shadows. James noted that the street was now swarming with death eaters at both ends yet they had stopped moving, and stood silently, waiting.

"Up here!"

They looked up to see Remus crouched low on the roof off the damaged house next to them that still smoldered sadly, smoke rising in a hiss as large raindrops eliminated the last of the fire. Glancing to either end of the street uneasily he slid down and lowered himself over the edge, dropping lightly to his feet and moving swiftly to join them.

Remus' face was pale and bloody, his lip split, blood lining his teeth, smeared on his skin and clothes and matting his hair.

"Seems you two have got us into quite the fix" he said. "Strange" he added seriously, offering another glance at the hooded figures that blocked their way silently.

"Where have you been?" Sirius demanded impatiently, rubbing his filthy hands on his filthier robes.

Remus sighed, drawing his damp cloak more tightly around his shoulders to cover a deep gash in the shoulder of his jumper where the fabric was stained red with his blood.

"Thought I'd stop for a cup of tea" Remus answered sarcastically. "It's the same as ever. Like it's a sport to them. Dragging people from their homes, burning the places to the ground, mothers and children, infants, old people. And of course the muggles can't understand what's going on, how could they? It's sick!"

A scream wrenched the air from the next street, making them all flinch, and followed by wicked laughter.

"And what the bloody hell are these morons waiting for?" Remus asked uncomfortably, again eyeing the silent death eaters.

"I imagine they weren't expecting resistance in a town full of muggles. They probably think were locals and we'll give ourselves up if they wait long enough" James said, though he wasn't sure they were entirely wrong. They were outnumbered at least five to one and it was certainly better to be a prisoner than to be dead, though capture of course didn't guarantee survival and definitely meant being disarmed and probably tortured.

"Shall we just apparate to the next street then?" Sirius asked, glancing between his friends, but Remus was already shaking his head.

They've got men everywhere, so if we disapparate then it'll have to be out of here, and if we leave we won't get back in alive. We can't leave Peter anyway."

The others nodded in agreement.

"Do either of you find it strange at all how many death eaters they've sent in?" James asked his friends. "We've never been up against so many at once before, and in a town full of muggles it hardly seems necessary." He ran his hand through his hair, then removed his glasses and rubbed them on his sleeve, only smudging them further. He used his wand more effectively to remove the muck that coated them.

"Well maybe you were wrong" Sirius suggested. "Maybe they' are thinking we'll give ourselves up, but maybe they were actaually expecting resistance."

They exchanged dark glances. "Even if they were expecting us, they can't have flooded the place with the death eaters just for the four of us when they're just here to spread fear and panic and have a little fun with some clueless muggles."

"Well maybe they were expecting someone else" Remus said mysteriously. "Maybe this was a trap."

"Someone else?" Sirius hissed. "And who exactly would that be? Sure, were probably not the only ones trying to do some good, but come on, do you really think any of the others are important enough that Voldemort would make the effort to set a trap for them?" he asked, rolling his eyes. "I'd like to see that."

"Well what do you call this?" Remus demanded defensively, "and what about the order of the phoenix?"

Sirius snorted. "The order of the Phoenix. Please. You shouldn't believe everything you hear, Moony. The order is a myth based on people like us who decide not to lay down and let Voldemort and his minions walk all over us and kill people we care about. There is no order of the phoenix."

"Shut up, both of you!" James snapped in annoyance. "Some of us are trying to think of a way out of this." If only he had a broomstick.

"Back me up here Prongs. The order of the phoenix?"

"Well if they do exist we could really use a hand here right about now" he answered. He turned to Remus. "Where's Peter?"

"Last I saw him he was scouting a safe place to take anyone we managed to get out, though at this point were the ones who're going to need saving."

James grunted in acknowledgment but he was thinking fast, eyeing the areas that surrounded the death eaters at each end of the street.

"Alright" he said finally, "We don't have a lot of options here, so were just going to pick an end and go for."

"Pick an end and go for it?" Remus repeated in bewilderment. "And what exactly does that mean?"

"Exactly what it sounds like" he replied with a shrug. "And we do it now, before more of them decide to join this party."

An explosion shook the street, and more screams were carried to them on the chilly breeze.

"So which end?" Sirius asked eagerly, driven by the shrieks of the people who needed their help.

"Left" James decided randomly, "Ready? NOW!"

He threw himself back into the street, running for the death eaters that waited for him at the end, adrenaline fueling him. Aiming high, he used their own trick, bringing the building behind them down on their heads, dodging brightly colored curses as the death eaters leapt to respond to the attack while avoiding being crushed as the building behind them collapsed, lighting up the sky momentarily as flame bloomed high above them.

"Quick!" he shouted over his shoulder at his friends, who were fast on his heels, sending their own spells forward and back at the death eaters behind them who were rushing to help their fellows.

With a pop James disapparated, reappearing instantly behind the wizards who were trying to kill him, and he managed to hit two of them before they realized where he had gone, turning on him just in time to get hit from behind by Sirius, Remus, and even curses from the other end that his friends had managed to dodge.

"James! This way!"

He spun to see Peter sprinting past him down the adjoining street. Calling to his friends he took off after him, taking out the last of the first group of death eaters as he leapt over piles of burning rubble, sending the man tumbling back into the remnants of what had once surely been a house.

He caught sight of Peter turning into an alley and joined him, followed seconds later by Sirius and Remus.

"There are too many of them!" Peter said, bending to catch his breath. "They're killing the muggles. It's just a game, there's no reason for them to be here."

James pressed his fist into a cramp in his side, but his hand came away bloody and he wiped it on his jumper, leaning into the wall to peer around the corner, ensuring that no one was bearing down on them secretly.

"He's right" Sirius said, "We can't take them all. For whatever reason, there are just too many of them."

James shook his head. "We can't take them, but we can't just abandon these people to Voldemort's plans either. They need us." He pulled the hood of his cloak up over his head, glowering at the other marauders, waiting for their answer.

"Prongs" Remus said. "If we go back out there then were as good as dead and that does nothing for these people either. You have to learn to pick your battles James. If we die here than were not doing anyone any good."

"I won't abandon them!" he snapped at his friends furiously. "You lot can save yourselves if you like, but I'm going back out there. These are defenseless people and we're the only ones in a position to save their lives right now. I'm going!"

And he did, shoving away from the wall and back into the open without a second glance, selfishly aware that his friends would not leave him, that they would be right behind him, he was depending on it, and he was also suddenly aware of how good it felt to be alive, to be running in the rain, lungs burning, friends behind him, even the pain felt good, the ache that had a hold over his entire body, that he ignored eagerly.

It was two streets away that the death eaters were busy at work, burning houses with the occupants still inside, elsewhere dragging people into the street, cursing them, torturing them. Bodies littered the pavement, none of them masked, some of them children.

James ducked back out of sight, putting out an arm to stop his friends before they revealed themselves.

"We need some kind of plan here, unless you lot really want to be home in time to have a good nights sleep?"

POP! POP! POP!

It was an unmistakable sound, that of a dozen people apparating at once, and then shouts and flashes of light that told them they were no longer the only ones opposing the death eaters. James glanced around the corner and steadied himself against the wall in relief. Liberated muggles were running for cover and safety, flashing past the foursome where they stood in watch. The remaining death eaters were being taken on by other hooded figures who moved in well trained formation, protecting themselves and each other with speed and impressive aim.

"Lets go" James said. He had no idea who these people were or where they had come from. All he knew was that the good guys were still outnumbered and could use all the help they could get. He glanced at his friends, who, despite clear uncertainty, each nodded in turn, pulling their hoods up and following him out into the chaos.

They were part of it immediately, dancing out of the way of flying curses and dueling pairs, quickly finding their own as Sirius blasted a death eater who was about to do the same to one of the newcomers. The stranger gave a harsh laugh and turned away to help a smaller companion who was dueling three at once.

James caught sight of a death eater turning on a young woman who was regaining consciousness on the road, and he jumped forward to intervene. He wasn't the only one to do so however as the masked man was hit by another spell even as his own hit home, jerking the body back and forth before it collapsed to the ground.

"Nice one." James was surprised to hear a woman's voice from beneath the cloak, and though he couldn't place it, the voice was vaguely familiar, not that he had time to think about it as the same woman shot a spell over his shoulder that singed his cloak as it took down a death eater behind him.

"Thanks" he said honestly.

The woman chuckled. "Don't thank me yet." And then she was off in the other direction, and so was he as the mailbox behind him exploded, sending burning letters a hundred feet in the air to rain back down on all their heads.

It was slow but sure, and then all of a sudden they were no longer outnumbered. What had seemed to him as an unbeatable number of death eaters was down to half a dozen, the number of bodies on the street had grown, but with cloaked figures rather than muggles, and those that remained were starting to fall back, many of them disapparating, and then, as the sun began to rise in the east, as the last of them fell or disappeared there was suddenly no one left to duel.

An odd silence fell on all sides, yet his ears were still ringing from the battle.

James turned, nearly colliding with one of his friends who was backing towards him.

"Prongs" Peter hissed warningly next to him, drawing his attention to the group of strangers who had now turned to surround the four of them, seeming much less friendly than they had as they fought shoulder to shoulder with him and his friends, saving their lives. And he remembered the woman's words.

"Don't thank me yet" she had said, and she had laughed. He hadn't even considered the comment.

And it was too late to consider now.

James raised his wand but it was too late.

"Expelliarmus!"

His wand slipped through his fingers and though he grabbed at it as it left his hand it spun from his grip and was caught by one of the strangers, as were his friends'.

"Who are you?" Sirius demanded furiously, a sentiment James shared, having just fought side by side with these people, only to be turned on.

They were closing in on the four of them slowly, almost unnoticeably, and if they had had no way out before, it was much worse unarmed and surrounded on all sides.

"We are the Order of the Phoenix" a soft voice answered cooly, one of the smallest members of the group, though James had seen her fight and wouldn't underestimate her. "And who are you?" He froze. He didn't have to think twice to place this voice, for it was as familiar to him as his own, or those of the other marauders.

"Evans?" he said in shock, and despite the hood that hid her, her face was clearer in his mind than it had been since the day they had said goodbye. He had never expected this.

"Wrong answer" a different, harsher male voice informed him. James opened his mouth to reply but he was already sinking into the darkness.


	2. Recruitment

**August 1977- Undisclosed location, England**

He had spent far too many hours of his life stuck in small dark rooms; with girls, hiding from teachers, death eaters, or those same girls. James came to propped in a chair in a similar room, his whole body tired and sore, yet he was dry and unbound which he learned as he jerked awake, nearly tumbling to the floor and just managing to catch himself before he did further damage.

He rose uneasily, brushing himself off and looking around the small space. It was an office of sorts if he had to describe it, though most of the furniture was shoved up against one wall as though it had been in the way, and a number of cauldrons took up the majority of the floor space. There were no windows.

He moved to the door automatically, not expecting it to be unlocked, nor was it. He paced the small room in search of another way out, wondering at the absence of his friends and the young woman he had taken for Lily the night before. Had it not been her?

There was little to do but wait and so he slumped against the nearest wall, only to be poked sharply in the side by something in the pocket of his robes.

Astonished, he reached in and withdrew his wand from it's usual resting place. It had been returned to him, evidently undamaged, yet why his captors might return his weapon was lost to him. Did they want him to escape, or to try to? Had it really been Lily? Was she trying to help him? Was it a trap?

Not that any answer would change his actions, for his response was immediate. Rising, he crossed the room and pressed his ear to the door. When he heard nothing he tapped the lock sharply with his wand, but there was no responding click to tell him he had gained his freedom. He tried the handle to confirm before moving on to plan B.

James removed himself from the entrance, crossing to the far wall and ducking down behind one of the empty cauldrons that smelled suspiciously of old socks.

He had become quite proficient at blowing things up, and his aim was good. Seconds later the remnants of the door, as well as the wall around it lay in a heap on the floor, leaving a large and rather satisfying hole in the wall.

There was no time to waste. Explosions had a habit of bringing people running and so he was in the hall before the last of the rubble had fallen.

There was no question of leaving however, not until he found his friends...

He rounded the corner at breakneck speed, nearly colliding with-

"Professor?"

It had to be a trick. Professor Dumbledore stood before him, smiling calmly, eyes twinkling behind his half moon spectacles. James did not lower his wand, but stared at the old man as though he might sprout an extra head and burst into flame.

"I was wondering when I might be seeing you again, Mr. Potter" Dumbledore said pleasantly, as though they were meeting in the street and he was particularly pleased to see him. "I thought it would be best if you were to see me before you destroyed anymore of the building. I'd ask you to my office, but I'm not sure you left me much of one."

It was too much. James shook his head angrily, trying to piece everything together. Strangers fighting death eaters, Lily, waking up with his wand, now Dumbledore.

"What the hell is this?" he demanded. "How do I know you're really Albus Dumbledore?"

"Ah" Dumbledore said, his smile widening, "You don't. How's this? The last time you were sent to my office was october of your sixth year when you gave a Slytherin boy a pumpkin head. Quite an impressive piece of magic actually, but I told you then that you could make much more of an impact if you put your mind from childish tricks, that you had the strength and determination to make quite a difference. And it would seem you took that message to heart."

James opened his mouth but Dumbledore held up a hand to quiet him.

" As to what this is, you saw what we do last night. This is the Order of the Phoenix. Welcome to headquarters. Now if you'd be so kind as to lower your wand."

And he did, though he kept it clutched tightly in his hand.

"So it's real then, the order?"

"Quite real, as Ms. Evans can attest. I understand you were the one who recognized her last night."

James looked around, almost expecting to see her there. "So Lily is here?"

Dumbledore nodded. "Oh yes. We have a number of muggle borns working for us actually. Many of them have nowhere else to go you see, they are hunted by the death eaters, and this is the best way for them to stay safe while still fighting back."

"Fine. Then why did they stun us last night when we were obviously on their side?"

"Uh, yes, I was thinking that we might get to that. Come James, we should make ourselves more comfortable."

Dumbledore led him to the end of the shadowy corridor. James might have thought they were in Hogwarts had he not known every corner and crack of the school, and then they went up a small winding set of stairs and came out in a brightly lit sitting room with several overstuffed chairs and a scorched coffee table that appeared to have been breathed on by an angry dragon.

Dumbledore gestured to an empty seat and took one himself, quickly throwing himself back into the business at hand.

"You asked why you were stunned. It was mainly because you recognized one of our members and stunning was the simplest way to discover who you were without revealing ourselves further. You'll have to understand that many of our members operate with the need for anonymity as they still live lives and have jobs outside of the order. And the Order of the Phoenix is not nearly as mysterious as most people seem to think. You yourself are likely acquainted with many of our members, considering your family and who your parents are."

James nodded. "But when you figured out who we were you brought us here."

Dumbledore was smiling once more. "Certainly. I should have talked to you before you left school but i'm afraid your situation was not as urgent as it was for some of the others, say Ms. Evans, who was in danger from the moment she left the gates of the school, while you and your friends are all of pureblood, from families in good standing. I planned to visit you at the beginning of july, yet when I made that visit I found that all four of you had dropped off the face of the earth, which is not something that happens to me very often."

"You were looking for us?" James asked in surprise.

"Yes, and in the end it seems it was fluke that brought you to us. You and your friends are much better at what you do than I imagined."

James looked away uneasily. He was not about to reveal that he and his friends had the ability to take on animal form, that it allowed them to enter the most unlikely of places and to move around without detection.

If Dumbledore noticed his unease he did not mention it.

"So you were looking for us. For what?"

"I think you know the answer to that James, it is not difficult to grasp, and you have always been too intelligent for your own good if I do say so myself. I offer you and your friends places in the Order of the Phoenix where you will continue to do what you do, only with better resources and training, and with highly skilled witches and wizards to fight beside you. I would tell you that fighting Voldemort is a commitment that isn't to be taken lightly but it seems to be one you have already made-"

"I accept" James said enthusiastically. "This is absolutely brilliant. And all along I thought the order was a myth, but not only is it's real, but it's you, and Lily and..."

He ruffled his hair with one hand and looked up at the headmaster.

"Sirius and the others?"

"They will be given the same option. If they so choose they will join you downstairs, otherwise they are free to leave, no harm done. I'll have Ms. McKinnon show you around and get you settled..."

"Marlene McKinnon?"

At that the door opened and Marlene appeared, grinning.

James leapt to his feet to hug his old friend, laughing. "I can't believe this!" he told her.

"Well believe it" she said excitedly. "Come on then. Professor McGonagall just finished with Sirius, though he didn't blow anything up like you did."

James stopped as he reached the door, turning back to Dumbledore who was watching him go with an odd expression on his lined face.

"My friends will make the same choice professor. They want to fight as I do, they aren't about to walk away."

Dumbledore gave a small nod. "You have good and loyal friends James, you have chosen them wisely, but you should take care to remember that not everyone shares your fidelity or your perseverance. I'm afraid your honorable sense of loyalty and fair play does not apply to the majority of people."

"I trust my friends with my life, professor" he replied easily, unclear as to where the conversation was headed, but Dumbledore only smiled sadly and nodded. "As it should be. Good luck James."


	3. Truth and Lies

**August 1977- Headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix, undisclosed location, England**

"Well, we've got the basics above ground; bedrooms, sitting rooms, library, washrooms and such. All the better to give the impression that it's just another house. Not that muggles can get anywhere near this place with all the enchantments mind you, but they all think it's condemned anyway. So when you're coming or going be sure to apparate right inside to the front entrance so we aren't seen." She stopped for a breath as they passed the last window in the stairwell beyond which the darkness was broken only by torchlight.

"Now, down here is where it gets interesting. Reminds you a bit of Hogwarts, doesn't it? Anyway, we've got a level for training and dueling practice and all that, potion making, disguises, dark magic detectors and just about anything else you could think of, then there are a few offices that are mostly used for storage, the operations room for meetings, which is actually just the kitchen, not that anyone here does much cooking, and Poppy has a bit of an infirmary set up... You're not really listening, are you?" she asked curiously as they passed the office that James had detonated not an hour before, but which had already been repaired, leaving a pristine wall and heavy oak door, as though he had never reduced it to rubble.

She was right, at least half right anyway. He had been trying to listen, but it was difficult to do so when his mind was trying to unscramble itself and he was thinking at a million miles an hour.

"Paying attention?" she asked, stopping in front of one of many identical doors. He nodded slowly and rather uncertainly.

Marlene opened the door and led him through, leaving the dark corridor once more, entering a large, brightly lit and well ventilated room that was obviously used for training. Pillows and mats were piled up along the edges. Dummy death eaters leaned against pillars, looking rather the worse for wear, and the walls were papered with blueprints, newspapers and photographs. These were scorched or violently torn in some places where he imagined someone had missed their target.

"How long have you been here?" he asked as they passed through another door back into the corridor.

"Oh, you know, since I left school. More than a year I guess" she answered with a shrug, not meeting his eye.

"You told us you were planning on becoming a healer" he said indignantly, earning another shrug and a smirk.

"You told Lily that you and your friends were planning on traveling this year, as is custom for young wizards" she replied unapologetically in a mocking tone .

"And she told me she would be spending the summer with her parents!"

Marlene stopped and turned to him, chewing on her lip, as though trying to decide how to word her thoughts. Finally she nodded and looked up at him.

"I'd say don't be too hard on her about the lie, but it turns out you can't be since she wasn't the only one stretching the truth here. Listen James, it's more complicated than you think it is really. You have to understand that it's different for us now, for muggle borns I mean."

He opened his mouth to tell her that he understood exactly... but she wasn't finished.

"It's wonderful that you and your friends are willing to risk everything to fight you know who, but for you it's a choice. You could have gone traveling if you had wanted to, you could have gotten a job at the ministry, you could have done anything. For us it's either this or go underground..."

She smiled, looking around at the tunnel like corridor. He might have made a joke if it hadn't been so serious.

"You know what I mean." She continued. " Some muggle borns are giving up all connections to the wizarding world in order to protect themselves and their families. Their snapping their wands in half themselves and giving up, and I can't say I blame them, cause we are not safe here anymore. I did tell you I was going to be a healer, because I would have done, if I was able to go out in public or get a job without putting a target on my back. I'd be dead in a week if I tried."

She resumed walking, picking up the pace so he had to hurry to catch up to her.

She continued. "But it's really not so bad here. I'm sure Dumbledore told you, it keeps us safe while still allowing us to take part in fighting you know who. So I get to take out my frustrations on death eaters, and afterwards I help Madam Pomfrey patch everybody up" she told him cheerfully. He decided not to comment.

"It's great experience if we ever get through this. At the end of the day I can say that I didn't sit back and let he who must not be named take my life from me, that I didn't let him win."

He nodded in agreement, trying to keep track of the twists and turns of the corridor that surely spread much farther than just beneath the one house and had begun to make him dizzy.

"So where is Lily?" he asked finally in an uninterested tone, pretending that it didn't bother him in the least that she hadn't come see him when he woke up.

Marlene glanced over her shoulder, grinning, clearly seeing right through the pretense. She pulled her dark hair over her shoulder, eyeing him closely. He looked away.

"She wanted to see you James, but believe it or not, James Potter being here doesn't mean that all else grinds to a halt."

He rolled his eyes.

"Your girlfriend had an assignment" Marlene added simply and mysteriously.

They had entered the empty kitchen and Marlene waved her wand, setting a fire to flicker in the grate. James realized then that he was starving and was pleased to see his friend crossing to the pantry. She opened the door, glanced inside, then looked back at him. "Are you coming then?"

Puzzled, James followed her and looked inside. Where he had expected to find bags of flour, sacs of potatoes and other basic kitchen necessities, there was instead a short stone stairway which led them down into a cavernous room that could only be Madam Pomfrey's hospital, identical to that at the school, though much smaller and with no windows. Supplies were piled on tables to one side while a hand full of empty beds stood against the wall opposite.

James caught sight of his friends, lined up sitting on the bed at the end, freshly clothed with Madam Pomfrey fussing over them in her usual manner. As his footsteps echoed off the stone walls on his approach, she turned, glaring, and gave him a once over with sharp, narrowed eyes. Sirius grinned at him behind her back.

"Potter" she said by way of greeting. "I see you've been taking care of yourself as well as ever."

He smiled. "Not to worry, I'm only bleeding a little. Not nearly as bad as this lot I'd imagine" he told her, joining his friends. She made a disapproving sound, forced him to sit, then moved off to get fresh supplies.

"Thought you weren't coming mate" Sirius said cheerfully as Marlene joined them. "Thought you'd lost your nerve."

"Nah, just having a nice chat with Dumbledore is all" he told them.

"Dumbledore?" Sirius said in surprise. " I got McGonagall, felt like I was in school." He shivered. "But I see you've found someone else" he added, rising with a grimace to greet Marlene.

James glanced up hopefully as he heard the pantry door open above them and the sound of footsteps on the stairs, and though it wasn't the person he had been hoping for he wasn't disappointed either.

"Frank Longbottom" he said, rising as Frank came striding into view, still in his aurors robes. Madam Pompfrey made for him instantly but he waved her off.

"I'm alright Poppy, just got in and heard a rumor, had to see for myself. How are you James?"

They shook hands all around before she returned, forcing him to remove his robes and jumper, revealing a fair number of bruises to his arms and ribs, and a deeper wound to his side where he had thought he had a stitch the night before.

"I thought there was something fishy about your parents story" Frank told him as he attempted to ignore Pomfrey's prodding fingers.

"Ya, what's that?"

"I asked after you when I saw them both at the ministry not a week ago. They were rather vague about your travels and seemed eager to change the subject. Now I'm beginning to understand why, but I can't imagine they were impressed with your decision?"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a glance.

James sighed.

"Sore subject?" Frank asked.

"They would have rather I did something official I suppose, all of us actually, become aurors even... " he flinched as Madam Pomfrey pressed a nasty smelling concoction to his side that proceeded to sting painfully.

"You could have done."

James shook his head. "I don't have to tell you there isn't time for three years of training. Not anymore. You had the right idea five years ago, back when the ministry had things under control, before it wasn't safe to walk down Diagon Alley. You know I respect you Frank, but the ministry is over it's head, and what Crouch is doing..." he shook his head.

Frank smiled and clapped him on the shoulder. "Well, lucky for us there's a sketchy vigilante resistance group to join, isn't it? Enough shop talk, I've been working all day and you all look like shit, except Marlene of course" he said, winking at her. "Now who needs a drink?"

His suggestion was met with a great deal of enthusiasm all around, and the six of them trailed out of the pantry infirmary, leaving Madam Pompfrey to stare after them disapprovingly in her usual manner, though they all knew what a softy she really was. Her frown deepening further when Sirius offered a flourishing bow before ducking after them into the stairwell.

Bang!

James woke from a deep sleep very suddenly, already reaching for his wand and glasses, blinded further by the light coming through the open doorway. The blinds on the windows shot up with a crack, allowing the morning light to stream into the room.

"Lily?" Remus said groggily from the bed nearest the door. James finally located his glasses on the bedside table and returned them to his face, still squinting against the bright light that bombarded him from all sides. He could just make out the long red hair and then he blinked and she came into better focus.

"Remus" she greeted her friend in a strained voice.

"Where have you been?" James demanded as he sat up and took her in. She clearly hadn't slept and stood at the end of his bed in tight fitting black clothes and combat boots that one would expect to see on a burglar.

"Out" she offered tightly. "Then I thought I'd check up on you lot before you got yourselves killed."

She was obviously frustrated and angry with them, and though James was accustomed to being on her bad side, he had no idea what he or his friends had done now.

"Hey!" Peter said, opening his eyes and realizing there was a girl in the room, pulling his blankets up to his chin as though anyone were paying attention to him. Sirius groaned in his sleep and yanked his pillow over his head.

"Us!" James snapped back matching her tone. "And what about you? This doesn't look like your parents house to me? What about your sisters wedding?"

Lily shrugged. "Some things are more important" she told him easily.

"Maybe you don't remember but we saved your ass more than once last year" he said indignantly. "We have just as much right to be here as you do!"

Lily snorted.

"Lily, the order can use as many people as it can get. No one can beat the dark lord alone" Remus said logically. "We know what we've got ourselves into. This is the most important thing..."

"And you lot should have stayed out of it!" she cut him off. "You should have got away while you had the chance, before you could be connected to the order. I'm in this, part of it, I've never had any choice, but you did! You had the opportunity to protect yourselves and you just threw it away!"

"Out!" Sirius yelled, throwing his pillow at them from across the room, eyes still closed. It bounced off Peter's headboard and landed on his face. "And it's nice to see you again too" he called as Lily turned in a huff and walked out. But James wasn't done with her. He vaulted from his bed and followed her from the room in only his boxer shorts, catching up to her at the top of the stairs where she turned and offered him a look that took him back at least five years. He couldn't help but smile at the memory, which was quite possibly the worst thing he could have done at that moment.

"This isn't a game James! You can't just run off and play hero whenever you get bored!" she said, misinterpreting his expression. He molded his features back into a mask of solemnity.

"You should have told me Lily" he said softly.

She glared at him.

"Let's not start on the lies we've told each other, I don't think we have time for that just now, but for the record, I didn't have a choice. Until Dumbledore read you in I couldn't exactly announce to you that I had been invited to join a secret organization to fight the dark lord!"

"And why not?"

"You are such a hypocrite! Look at you. You didn't think to tell me you were planning on dropping off the face of the earth? It might have simplified things a bit so that we wouldn't have ended up running into each other the way we did."

"Running into each other? Is that what you call it? As far as I recall we stepped in to help you lot out and the thanks we got for it was getting stunned and dragged to god knows where."

"No one asked you to be there and no ones forcing you to stay."

He ignored her. "Not to mention that half the people I know and trusted are part of this secret club that no one bothered to tell me about."

"And why should they have?"

"And my girlfriend, who I thought was safe and sound tucked away with her parents in their cozy suburban house has actually been out killing death eaters and working undercover operations alongside highly trained aurors with highly dangerous targets that would love to get their hands on someone like you."

"Tucked away safe and sound?" she spluttered in horror. "Are you kidding me right now? Do you have any idea what's going on out there? Get a grip! You've just said it, haven't you? Someone like me! Believe me, I will never be safe and sound as long as this lasts, which is the reason I don't get to go home, or see my parents, or attend my sisters wedding. I'm not like you James, I don't have the family and the blood status, all I have now is this. I have to fight, I need to! I'm not here to prove that I'm better than everyone else, I'm here to keep myself alive and to protect the people who need it!"

And with that she slid past him and down the stairs. Her words stung and he wondered if it was how she really saw him, how everyone did, a show off or a bored spoiled pureblood.

She stopped and looked back over her shoulder as she reached the bottom. "And don't call me your girlfriend James" she said harshly. "Were not kids anymore. Things have changed."


	4. New Game

"Is that what you call defending yourself Pettigrew?" Mad Eye growled as Peter flew through the air for the third time. James watched him scramble to his feet and head for the edge of the dueling floor, where he might find refuge with his friends from the horror and embarrassment of facing the experienced auror once again.

"Take a break then" Moody muttered, unusually forgiving. "Black, you next" he barked and Sirius leapt forward eagerly, leaving the other new recruits to watch and Peter to sigh in relief.

On the other side of the training floor there were far more interesting things to watch however and James wasn't the only one who had turned his attention away from the task at hand. Frank lounged against the far wall offering tips and observations to those who practiced in the room at large. Lily, and Frank's wife Alice had discarded their wands and were training quite impressively in hand-to-hand combat. Benjy and Marlene were amusing themselves blasting away at the dummy death eater that moved swiftly around the room, meaning that the others had to watch their backs so as not to get blasted by misdirected curses.

Alice, who was rather small and looked as though she might be blown away in a strong wind, had managed to flip Lily over her shoulder, dropping her to the floor.

Coughing but smiling she was dragged back to her feet and stood listening as the other woman demonstrated how she might have been able to avoid the defeat. She caught James' eye across the room, and for a moment he thought he caught a smile on her lips but she had turned her back on him before he could be sure.

"Potter! Try paying attention boy" the auror snapped, tapping his wand impatiently against his hip. "Now get up here."

**"Don't!.."**

James pulled his hand back abruptly, unsettling a thin layer of dust that lay over the thick volume that he had been about to open.

"I told you not to touch anything" Lily reminded him in a resigned voice without so much as glancing up from what she was doing, disturbing her own thicker layers of dust as she rummaged through the boxes on the shelves in front of her, most of them filled with vials and glasses based on the sounds her non too careful search was making.

"I thought it was more of a…suggestion."

Lily snorted derisively. She withdrew her hand from a peculiar looking case, clutching a small stoppered jar filled with a thick chunky potion that she held up to the dim light that filtered into the room from the corridor outside, then pocketed it with a satisfied expression on her face and returned to what she was doing. Just when he thought she would offer him no further reply she turned her head to give him one of her signature looks, a combination of amusement and irritation.

"The book..." she said, nodding at the dusty number he had had his eye on, "It's not lying around here in case someone fancies a bit of light reading. It's more likely to bite your hand off then let you turn the page…and that" she answered preemptively, following his gaze to the brand new, state of the art racing broom that was being sorely wasted leaning up against a corner of the room collecting cobwebs, "That broom'll beat you to death if you let it."

"So this room…" he said uneasily, glancing around at the unkempt shells and mysterious items, some of which glowed even in the dim lighting, others that gave him the distinct impression that they were watching him.

Lily nodded. "Storage for the dark and the dangerous. Confiscated, stolen, and found, anything that we might be able to make use of ends up here, though we send most of it on to the ministry and it gets destroyed. The things they keep in here were mostly just too good to waste, and since the order doesn't owe the ministry anything… They don't support the order officially so we do what we have to do, we keep what we can use, and we pretend like were playing along."

James grinned. "I must have been a bad influence on you."

Lily scowled. "I hardly think you deserve that much credit." Turning her back on him she threw open an old wooden trunk and returned to her rummaging.

"Oy, Evans!"

They both looked around to see a tall, well-built, light haired boy framed in the doorway. "Upstairs in five minutes" he told Lily with a crooked smile, "Just me and you tonight. Mad Eye says to get a move on."

"Mad Eye also told me to do exactly what I'm doing, Ben" she snapped back, "so you can tell him that I'll be up when I'm damn well ready to go and he can get his panties in a knot if he likes."

"I'll tell him you'll be up as soon as you're done, shall I?" was the amused reply. "Potter" the blond acknowledged with a quick nod.

"Fenwick" James replied, not entirely able to keep the chill from his voice as the other boy withdrew. Lily gave him a dark look but said nothing.

"Just you and him tonight, eh?" James asked finally, unable to help himself, forcing his voice to remain casual, but still earning him another sharp look.

"Jealous?" Lily asked, finally straightening up, adding a few empty vials to the pockets of her robes.

James shrugged, feigning indifference.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Moody's call, not mine" she reassured him, if only to shut him up. "And Benjy's a god guy, he knows what he's doing. You'd like him if you weren't being so thick. And just because I'm not with you doesn't mean that I've taken up with him, by the way, not that it's any of your business" she informed him icily, and with that she stepped past him and disappeared into the corridor, leaving him mildly stunned, but also satisfied, in the room with the biting books and walloping broomsticks.

He was right where she had left him when Sirius appeared in the doorway, looking around in wonder as James had after trailing into the room after Lily.

"Don't" James said, before his friend even had the chance to reach out and touch something that had caught his eye on a higher shelf. Sirius withdrew his hand indifferently.

"I saw Lily leaving with Benjy" Sirius informed him. " How're you doing?"

"They're working" James replied tightly. "Assignment from Mad Eye."

"Ya…Speaking of which…"

"Speaking of which?" James asked, all his attention on his friend.

"Mad Eye says Frank and Alice want to see us tonight, to give us our first official order assignment. That is, if were done running around trying to get ourselves killed. His words, not mine" he added.

James grinned. "Us. You and me?"

"All four of apparently. Moody said we could do this first one together since we managed to survive this long."

"Nice."

"I'm not sure it was meant as a compliment actually…"


	5. Duty

**September 1977- Epping Forest, England**

The sky was still dark, but she could feel the first signs of dawn approaching. Crouched at the edge of the tree line, the normally waist high grass concealed her from the sight of any who might think to look for an intruder, but hours stuck in the same awkward position had left her numb and chilled. She had lost all feeling in both legs, and if not for the precarious way she was seated she might have fallen asleep despite the damp cold that had seeped into her bones.

Though she appreciated the freedom she was offered by the clothing and jacket she wore, she couldn't help but think longingly of the heavy robes and long thick cloaks she had grown accustomed to since joining the wizarding world. It was only her soft, supple, dragon skin boots that allowed her any comfort, molded to her feet and worn, though still incredibly warm, with a narrow, flexible sole complete with treads, good for running.

She shifted her weight slightly, trying to regain feeling in her lower extremities, rewarded instead with a sharp painful tingling that shot through her limbs. She repeated this movement back and forth gently until it had passed, for the last thing she needed was to stand up and have one of her legs give out beneath her. Not now, not here. There was no room for vulnerability.

She twirled her wand expertly between her fingers, forcing herself to focus. The earth beneath her, the dawn above, the sounds of the animals in the woods, the rustling of the wind through the leaves in the trees, and the subtle pulsing of loss somewhere below the surface where she couldn't quite reach it every time her thoughts drifted to James, just as it did when she thought of her parents or her sister or Severus, the dull edge of pain and the twinge of regret, but this was also something new and confusing that appeared along with the image of his windswept hair, dark eyes, and round lenses.

It was ridiculous really. For the past months, James had been a fond memory at the back of her mind, living in a world where he was happy, prospering, doing something meaningful with his life, living it up in safety with his money and his genuine smile, because he had had so many options, and she had wanted that for him.

She should have known better of course, for she knew him all too well. Now… he was stuck there with her, and with the rest of them, fighting to live and living to fight, hidden, running, always looking over their shoulders, a place he never had to be but that he had chosen because somehow that was who he was. It was strange for her to move him from that safe, comfortable place in her past and her mind to the dark and uncertain present. It was almost as though she had lost a part of him already, the part that had been safe, and the memories that were both so naïve and warm; handholding and laughter, pranks and stolen kisses, even before, when the mere sight of him had annoyed her, and everything that that had turned into.

It was where he belonged, in summer days by the lake, whispering in the library, slipping beneath his invisibility cloak with a wink and a crooked smile. Every glance had been full of meaning, every scrape had been another adventure, every offence repelled, and it was far too easy to retreat into the comforts and protection of the school, free from the war, subject to little more than the words and the taunts of the Slytherins, not nearly enough to prepare any of them for what was waiting beyond the strong stone walls, high gates and strict eyes of the teachers that watched over them.

Everything had changed. She had always known it would, had spent the summer before her last school year knowing she might never see her parents again, had told them not to meet her at the train station, had sacrificed her whole life, and she had thought James to be part of that, the past, a shadow, part of who she had been rather than who she was, a fond memory of happier times. And now there he was within arms reach once more, and she was too afraid, had given up so much, turned her back on so many for the sake of this cause and the safety of the people that she cared about the most, that it seemed almost too easy, as though she didn't deserve to have him of all people back in her life, the person who had taught her things about herself and about the world that she could never have discovered on her own, that came with a wisdom and empathy far beyond his age, even with the childish antics of a boy who would never take his life for granted, would never take her for granted, and who she wasn't sure she would ever be able to fully let go of or live up to, especially not now, when he was offering her the choice that she swore she would never force herself to make, whether to love and risk the most painful of losses, or push him away and pretend that she couldn't feel the gut wrenching loneliness that she planned to put up with for the rest of her life, and that seemed all the more difficult to deal with when he smiled or laughed or said her name.

At this point there was little she could do but wish that none of it had ever happened, because it was the absolute certainty in his dark eyes and clear voice, in every touch and smile and nod, that served only to spark a stronger fear within her, not that he might one day realize his mistake and turn away, for that she could deal with, but more that he would fall as so many had already, and then she would be truly as alone as she had meant to be from the day she walked away from her friends and family, to protect them, but also to protect herself, because she didn't know how she would ever be able to handle losing someone that she couldn't seem to live without.

Of course, this was the most obnoxious thing about him, that she couldn't seem to block him from her mind, no matter that she did everything she could to shove his smiling face and comforting presence to the back of her mind, or that every time she saw him he had the same knowing look on his face as though he knew it was only a matter of time until she gave in to him. If only he knew what a succession like that might mean to her.

She held up her wand, scanning the area for any human presence besides her own, the third time she had done it in the past hour, but unfortunately the area remained clear.

Frank's words to her the night before echoed in her head as she ignored her wands indications, peering through the dim morning light into the shadows on every side for any hint of life.

"If we aren't back by sunrise…"

She shoved them aside, yet some disjointed part of her mind had to wonder if the dilemma with James was about to become a non issue, and it made it difficult to breath.

She had only accepted lookout duty because it had been their first mission and it had been so difficult to refuse the palpable excitement that was so familiar to her, so much a connection to her old life, because once upon a time they had been so much a part of her, and now they could be again…unless…

She should have refused, insisted that she go with them even though she had never had any real say in the matter, not over Frank or Moody of course, but not knowing was killing her, and the sun was getting higher and higher with every minute that passed, and her anxiety level was rising with it, and she couldn't help but remember the instructions that she had been given the night before. If they hadn't returned by sunrise…

There was no way she was returning to headquarters on her own, giving up on the friends she had only just gotten back, some of the only people who would ever have eagerly done anything for her and who had done so much more than most.

She had sprung up from her position before the decision had even registered consciously. It felt so good to be moving again, to have a goal other than waiting and watching, and mere seconds later she had slid into the trees, all too aware of her destination and what she might find ahead of her.


	6. Into the fire

She walked towards the sound, slowly, so as not to trip over anything, dreading what she knew she would find ahead. She didn't want to see where the screaming was coming from. A scream like that could only mean blood and bone and pain; a scream that came from the pit of the stomach and extended to every inch of the body. And then it was cut off abruptly, leaving the woods around her deathly silent, and leaving her feeling all the more exposed. The scream still rang in her head and she knew it would likely haunt her dreams, a life ending sound.

And then she saw him, lying in an unnatural position among the dead leaves and fallen branches and she had to put her hand to her mouth to remind herself not to emit her own scream. Fear flooded her like ice, and she forgot to be quiet as she rushed forward, her choking panic blinding her to the dangers, followed by a guilty relief when she saw the face didn't belong to anyone she knew.

Still, she crouched by his head, her knees pressing into the pool of blood that leaked from violent looking wounds, staining the leaves and her hands as she checked to ensure that he was past saving.

She pressed two light fingers to his eyelids to close them, them shut her own briefly, taking a deep breath to collect herself. The man had been a stranger, but the danger had not passed. She could feel it all around her, had more than heard it in the scream in the distance.

She wanted to say something comforting, to muster some type of acknowledgment for the man's suffering, but dead was dead and there was nothing she could say or do for him. He was a corpse.

She was suddenly aware of how vulnerable she had left herself, crouched on the ground. She rubbed her bloody hands hastily on her clothes, took better hold of her wand and rose, focused on the living victims she might still have a chance to save, on her friends who could use all the help they could get, and the question as to how the mission had gone so horribly wrong.

It was at that moment that the hands grabbed her, one closing over her mouth while the other took hold of her shoulders to pull her back…

She reacted instinctively in an instant. She jerked her head back forcefully, colliding with her attackers nose while allowing her to bite down on the male hand. She was rewarded with a cry of pain, followed by several more as she jammed her elbow back into his gut and ground her heel into his foot.

"Lily! Stop!" a woman's voice snapped. The hands had fallen away and she spun, wand out, prepared to defend herself. The first thing she saw was Alice's face, expression balanced somewhere between amusement and shock. Peter stood next to her, looking panicked. Lily glanced down in horror to see the dark hair and worn shoes, bent at the waist as he was, groaning in pain.

"Sirius, I'm sorry!"

"Quiet" Alice hissed, but gave a rye smile. "At least we know you can defend yourself when it comes down to it" she said.

"Sirius?" Lily tried again, tentatively. He straightened, eyes watering, hand to his bloody and possibly broken nose.

"I'm fine. Fine" he said, waving her off as she tried to check the damage she had done.

"You shouldn't have snuck up on me like that!" she said angrily, remembering the brief moment when she had thought she was under attack. She couldn't exactly stay angry however, as she had just broken his face. "Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'll live" he answered easily, "I've had worse. And I was trying to be quiet" he replied. "I didn't know you were dangerous" he added, glancing at his bloody hand, and he seemed almost impressed.

"There are a lot of things about me you don't know" she replied smugly. "What the hell is going on?"

Sirius opened his mouth, then stopped suddenly, and he wasn't the only one to freeze, hearing the sounds of cracking twigs and leaves under more than one pair of feet. Peter gave a small squeak but held out his wand nonetheless, joining them in the defense.

"Alice, it's us" a voice said just outside their line of vision, and a moment later Frank came into sight, followed by James and Remus. She hated how glad she was to see them. They were worse off than the other three, scratched up and covered with dirt, but otherwise seemingly fine. James grinned at her, but he caught sight of the dead man a moment later and his face fell into a mask of solemnity.

" You lot couldn't possibly be making any more noise could you?" Frank warned sarcastically, " I don't think the death eaters have quite heard you yet." He glanced around at each of them, eyes lingering on her briefly, eyebrow raised at her presence, then on to Sirius who was still rearranging his face.

"Lily broke my nose" he informed the newcomers. "And possibly my ribs" he added pathetically, rubbing his side. Frank, James and Remus all couldn't help but smile, but it was short lived. After all they were all standing around a dead body, and she was yet to know the situation elsewhere.

They were on the move minutes later, and Lily found herself at the back of the pack, next to Frank, already expecting his words.

"You ignored my orders" he said coolly. "Without considering the consequences." She saw James glance back over his shoulder at them. She resented the accusation.

"I wasn't about to go back to headquarters on my own. To tell them what? That none of you made it back and I had no idea what happened? I couldn't do it. I kept my position until dawn as promised, after that I had to choose." She tried to keep her voice from sounding defiant as she spoke.

He eyed her, then sighed. "I understand, but Lily, if something had happened to you while you were alone we wouldn't have known until it was far too late. Had you gone back to headquarters and told them that we hadn't come back then more help would have come. Now it's the seven of us against who knows how many and we can only hope that back up will come when we don't come back within the next few hours." he said. "You still have a lot to learn. When I was your age I would have done the same thing, and I wasn't quick at learning from my mistakes. I think you'll do better than I did back then" he said with a smile.

888

Heart pounding, adrenaline burning through her, everyone was the enemy. Except for James, the only other person she could see through the smoke. He seemed to be sticking close to her side as they moved forward. There was nothing else to do. Screaming people, bleeding people, dead people everywhere. As they reached the next corner, the entire block ahead of them lit up with a rich purple glow. They backpedaled, hunkered down in a stairwell, and squinted into the light. People began to fall in the street, clutching at their faces, as blood spurted from their eyes, noses, mouths, ears. In less than a minute everyone was dead and the glow vanished. Lily gritted her teeth and ran, leaping over the bodies, feet slipping in their blood, hearing nothing but her own heartbeat, eyes searching for the death eater who had killed so many.

She caught sight of the shadow moving through the smoke up ahead, a single cloaked figure fleeing down the street towards the rest of his friends. She took off after him immediately, throwing every curse she could think of at his back.

And then the death eater stopped and turned, and she was so close, and she knew she could get to him. She watched as he raised his wand, copied the motion with her own.

For the second time that night arms encircled her from behind and jerked her backwards. She felt herself being slammed up against a brick wall, someone pressed heavily against her, taking her breath away as the spot where she had stood not a moment before exploded forcefully, sending brick and dirt raining down on their heads, leaving her ears ringing.

She opened her eyes to James, shielding her from the street. She noticed that one of the lenses in his glasses was cracked. He glanced down at her as the largest of the debris settled around them.

She couldn't see past his face from the smoke and dust, and made no move to push him away.

"You're fast" he said seriously, still out of breath so that his words came out short. "Trying to be the hero?"

It was his eyes that had always gotten to her. No matter what he was saying or doing, or how stupid his antics, there had always been something intriguing about his eyes, not that they were different from any other eyes, they were brown and rather normal looking, framed by his round glasses, but there was an intensity and certainty in them that she had discovered, something she had forgotten when they had said goodbye.

She forced herself to look away.

"Of course not James, don't be ridiculous. I would have had him if you hadn't stopped me. He killed all those muggles! They're all dead!"

James frowned. "And you were about to join them. "

"Get off" she snapped, pushing him away from her none too gently. The death eater had vanished. She kicked at a stone angrily.

"Frank was right, wasn't he?" James said as he brushed himself off, "You act rashly. You just go ahead and do whatever you want to do, and you're lucky if you get out alive!"

Lily rounded on him. "You filthy hypocrite! Like I've done anything that you wouldn't have if you were in the same situation. Bloody hell Potter, you ran away from home to play war with your mates against Voldemort's army, and you're telling me that I'm being rash? This is your first mission, so go ahead and think whatever you like, because you don't know me and you don't know how the order really operates! Go to hell!" She turned her back on him, scanning the street for any sign of life. She knew she was probably in shock, that she should be focused on the situation, on staying alive, but all she could feel was the mounting frustration that seemed to grow whenever she was face to face with James. He had been her friend, then her boyfriend, and now she didn't know what he was, or how long he would last.

"Taking a break, are we?" It was Sirius and Remus, who had obviously shown up just in time for the show. She took a deep breath and turned to scowl at them. James was watching her with an unreadable expression. The other boys looked as bruised and battered as she felt.

"Maybe we should switch partners" Remus suggested lightly, appearing only slightly uncomfortable at having witnessed the awkward fight. "Lily and I could pair up for a bit, maybe check for survivors" he said sadly, rubbing his cheek, smearing it with blood. They were all so far beyond exhaustion, beyond fear, that it seemed that this was all there was, nothing to do but keep going, hopefully to finish what had been started for them.

"Sounds good to me" Lily said sharply. "Let's go."

"Lily" James tried.

She looked at him and shook her head. "This isn't the time or the place for this Potter, people are dead and dying, so how about we just get through this alive?"

He nodded once, then gestured to Sirius and they both turned and disappeared into the alley. She watched them go for a moment, shivering.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked in his usual caring way. She glanced sideways at him.

"I just watched a dozen people bleed to death. All I was supposed to do today was sit in the woods."

He nodded. "Was that really just today?" he said, sounding genuinely surprised.

"We failed here Remus. We're the order of the phoenix, damn it, were supposed to protect the people who can't protect themselves, and we failed today."

He nodded again. "Let's keep going Lily" he said with a sigh, "it's not over yet."

It was her turn to nod.

They moved slowly, skirting the crater in the middle of the street that was still smoking threateningly, checking every crack and corner. Another explosion rocked a building nearby, but they saw no sign of anyone else, and a deathly silence soon fell around them.

"I think they're gone" she said after a few minutes of walking in silence, with no other signs of life.

"Here's hoping" he agreed.

Lily frowned. "It's getting worse every time Remus. I think were just lucky they didn't bring the giants along this time. Still, they're killing more and more. Who knows what they'll do tomorrow."Who knows how to explain all of this."

"More like who knows what kind of cover up they can use to explain these damages" Remus replied.

She shrugged as they turned the corner into the main square. It was completely demolished. They had done everything they could, but it hadn't been anywhere near enough. Had it been her fault? She should have gone back to headquarters, warned the others-

"I think now would be a good time for that explanation, werewolf" a stingy voice spoke, and they both spun to find that a handful of witches and wizards in ministry robes had appeared noiselessly behind them. Each of them had their wands out, all trained on Remus, apparently oblivious to the redheaded girl at his side. His eyes had gone wild, as though searching for a way out, but finding none, then finding her. She grabbed his arm and stepped forward to address the unpleasant looking man who had spoken.

" My name is Lily Evans." She glanced back at Remus but didn't introduce him, he had obviously been recognized. "We'll tell you whatever you want after we see Dumbledore. We're with the order of the phoenix. The town was destroyed by Voldemort's death eaters."

A number of people flinched. More witches and wizards were appearing around them, staring in shock at the ruins of the buildings, the fires that burned, the bodies. Alice and Frank were of course nowhere to be seen, but would likely arrive with Moody at any moment, and the ministry would never know that they had already been there.

A short witch approached the first ministry wizard who was obviously in charge and he leaned down so she could whisper in his ear. When he straightened again his scowl had deepened, if that was at all possible. Remus twisted his arm slightly in her grasp and she realized that she had been digging her fingers into his arm, leaving red marks. She let up slightly but didn't let go.

"You, girl, you were head girl at Hogwarts last year?"

She nodded, uncertain as to where the question was leading. "Lily Evans" she repeated.

The large man sighed and turned to his fellows.

"A werewolf and a muggle born. Of course they're with Dumbledore" she heard him say as he didn't bother to lower his voice. She guessed that he was no friend to them. She looked around for a familiar face but there was none. She watched briefly as obliviators herded confused and frightened muggles together into a group. They were lucky, they would be allowed to forget. She couldn't help but envy them.

The man turned back to her and Remus, nodding. " As soon as Albus shows up, you and any of your other little friends who were here with you will be expected to cooperate fully. It's not every day 'you know who' sends his followers out on a killing spree without the auroras getting involved, and it'll be hard enough covering this one up without having to explain what Dumbledore's little gang of rejects was doing here, or how you knew what was happening. It's lucky you all got out alive!" Though as he said it he didn't sound at all pleased that they had survived.

She refused to let him get a rise out of her. She spotted the headmaster coming towards them with James, Peter and Sirius on his heel. She could see that the usual sparkle was gone from his eye. Ministry involvement was never good, and the deaths so much worse.

"Don't worry" she replied, matching the ministry wizard's cold tone, "We'll tell you exactly what happened. But you might want to sit down, sir, it's a long story."


	7. Illusions

"James? Is that you?"

Lily turned to find that the other boys had joined them; each muddier and bloodier than when she had last seen them, but for the most part in working order. Dumbledore was no longer with them, standing amongst the muggle survivors instead, clearly offering words of comfort as they were examined by young healers, earning odd looks from the other witches and wizards.

She watched James force a half smile as he turned to the elderly ministry witch who had addressed him.

"Good to see you, Evelyn."

She was giving him a strange look. "Your father said that you were abroad with your friends" she said, clearly confused, eyes widening as they travelled over the other boys who she seemed to know as the aforementioned friends.

"Yes, well, that's what I told him. No need for him to think otherwise."

If Lily hadn't known it was a lie she would have believed it herself. The smooth bad boy smile that he had perfected in their second year, the same one he had used to get girls to date him, the same one that had failed on her so many times, and the confident tone, that meant he could say almost anything and make it sound true. Covering a lie with a lie. The woman returned the smile with a grandmotherly expression. Boys will be boys.

"You're Aurelius' boy?" The first ministry wizard snapped in frustration, turning on the newcomers, thin moustache twitching. "James Potter?"

Something in his voice told Lily everything. Here was someone that he could talk to, that he could understand, an upstanding member of a good family. A Potter. But at the same time James' face had fallen, his expression solidified into a mask, something Lily had never seen on him before, something that didn't suit him.

"Yes, Mr. Crouch" he answered with the tone of politeness that you extended to your parent's friends or boss. They shook hands, stiffly, and Lily stared at the older man with a new interest. Here was Mr. Crouch, the great advocate for muggles, hater of dark magic, a legend really, and one of the most unpleasant men she had ever met, and the way he had spoken to her… the clear disdain in his voice. His coworkers clearly revered him, but James' reaction…

Two distinct popping sounds behind them allowed further interaction between James and Crouch to be avoided, and Lily turned to see Alice and Frank striding towards them in freshly pressed auror robes. Or more like both of them trying to look as natural as possible as Alice limped along, flinching every few steps, Frank shooting her concerned looks. Lily exchanged a glance with James, but no one else seemed to notice, or else were unsurprised by an auror being injured.

"Ah, Frank, Alice!" Mr. Crouch called, his voice becoming almost pleasant, waving them over, instantly distracted by their arrival.

They both greeted the ministry representatives with the respect owed to superiors, then turned to the small, disheveled group.

"James Potter!" Frank said enthusiastically, in much the same manner as he had the first day that James and the others had arrived at headquarters, in a tone that suggested they hadn't seen each other in ages. More greetings were passed around, and Lily noticed that Sirius was being eyed with almost as much suspicion as was Remus. He was a Black after all, a house just as well known as the Potters, but for all the wrong reasons. Sirius himself was busy looking at his feet, a perfect scowl in place on his face, his overgrown hair hanging down into his eyes, making no attempt at discouraging the preconceived notions of the other wizards. He had left his family years ago, had taken up with James and the others, had joined the fight. That would have to be enough.

"And is this your girlfriend?" she heard Alice say in a chipper voice, breaking through her thoughts. "Your mother was telling me just the other day about what a lovely girl…"

Lily opened her mouth to reply, but it was the look on her friend's faces that stopped her. James and the others were looking at her wide eyed, as though this had been some kind of plan that she had forgotten about, or simply hadn't been made aware of, which she was beginning to think was the case. Frank gave her the shortest of meaningful nods. But it was Crouch's expression; a mild, well-veiled surprise that stopped her from protesting, that made her understand, that rendered Remus' heel digging into her foot completely unnecessary.

It was infuriating really, but James and the others were trying to tell her something, trying to protect her, and in that moment she understood the politics of it, that there was only so much protection and understanding that her connection to Dumbledore and the order would allow her, and based on the attitude she had been getting from Crouch, that was very little to begin with. Instead, she was James' girlfriend once more, practically a Potter herself, connected to important and respected people, no longer just a muggle born. Despite the fact that she had been prefect, head girl, a perfect student, a model witch, and was fighting to save innocent people, it was her connection to James that would make her worthy, and it infuriated her, but there was nothing she could do. She was committed to the lie.

"Lily Evans" she said in a robotic voice, holding out a hand to shake Alice's, who was smiling at her knowingly. "Nice to meet you." Pleasantries, like perfect strangers. Perfectly deceiving.

"Alright, Alright" Crouch said irritably, cutting through the chatter. "Shall we get a move on then? Get this over with?" He made to turn away, then looked back at Lily. "Ms. Evans was it?"

She nodded uncertainly.

"Well Ms. Evans, You'll be given the time you requested with Dumbledore, then you'll be expected to tell us everything, as promised." She couldn't be sure, but there was a tone of civility in his voice that certainly hadn't been in place before. She followed his gaze to where Dumbledore and Moody were deep in conversation on the steps of what had most certainly been a church, if the graveyard next to it was any indication. She nodded once more, and he turned on his heel and disappeared up a side street with his entourage on his heels, leaving them to Frank and Alice to deal with.

"Alright you lot?"

Moody and Dumbledore had made their way over, neither of them looking very pleased. When they nodded Moody's looked them suspiciously, his magical eye spinning like a top before settling on Alice.

"I can wait" she said, earning another concerned glance from her husband.

Moody frowned. "Apparently you'll have to."

"Can we get out of here before someone decides to do the Potters a favor and contact my parents?" James interrupted. They all turned to look at him, but he just shrugged.

"They've set up a portkey to take you all back to the ministry" Moody informed then. "Better to keep tabs on you that way" he said in response to the surprised looks. "Let's go."They trailed after Dumbledore and the aurors, headed for a blocked off section near the graveyard that the ministry wizards had begun to use as an apparition zone.

Lily felt a hand on the small of her back and knew instantly that it was James. It was an old habit he had developed when they had been together, and he seemed to be picking up right where they had left off. Whether he was taking advantage of the situation or just falling back into old habits for the show, she didn't bother to stop him. After all, they were supposed to be together again, apparently for her own security. And some small part of her, the part that wasn't still furious about crouch and everything that had happened in the last day found it comforting to have him there beside her after so many months of fighting without him, when she had come to trust and rely on him in their last year at school. It wasn't the first time he had saved her life, and for all she knew it wouldn't be the last.

* * *

><p>Thanks for reading this far everyone, I know this chapter wasn't all that exciting but it will get there. Now they have to explain how they ended up there with all the muggles getting killed so keep reading. Also, in case anyone was going to mention it, I know Moody isn't supposed to have his magical eye yet, but I made the mistake of calling him Mad Eye in an earlier chapter and have definitely done it in all my other marauder stories I'm sure cause I always forget about it since that's like his thing. Anyway, I'm just going with it so enjoy. I really appreciate the reviews I've gotten so far and am looking forward to hearing some more from you guys. Let me know what you think, characters, predictions, constructive criticism, etc and what not, you know how it goes. Thanks again and in advance. See you soon.<p> 


	8. When it's over

It felt wrong to leave, as though they were letting the victims down all over again but moments later Lily was tumbling through space, stuck both to the chunk of charred brick that passed as a portkey, as well as the two boys who had been pressed in on her left and right.

Several breathtaking seconds later she felt her feet hit ground and nearly went to her knees. Hands held her up and once her head had stopped spinning she was able to look up to find James steadying her with that same blank expression in place as he looked past her to where Crouch had appeared with Alice, Frank, Mad Eye and a few other ministry wizards she didn't know in tow. Personally she was thankful to have allies in a position to help them, but James clearly wasn't dwelling on their friends, continuing to eye crouch coldly with something that was clearly less than respect.

He let go of her without even meeting her eye, or seeming to realize that he had touched her at all, and the five of them trailed after the aurors and the other ministry wizards. She seemed to be the only one who didn't know where they were going as they wound down a number of dim corridors without so much as a word passed between any of those present.

They were led onto an elevator that jerked clumsily from side to side until it clattered to a stop, announcing in a flowery voice that they had reached the department of magical law enforcement.

Unlike the rest of the ministry, the floor and offices were overflowing with people despite the early morning hour. Witches and Wizards in auror's robes shouted to each other over the top of small cubicles, faces scowled from wanted posters and what she was sure to be items similar to the dark objects kept at headquarters crowded every available surface. Several people called to the aurors, others to James, and even Sirius and the others, making Crouch's scowl deepen.

They were quickly ushered into a room that had nothing but a small rickety table and a handful of chairs. Frank held the door for them, granting her a wink as she passed, and she was sure it was meant to make her feel better though all she was really feeling was some combination of exhaustion and wonder as she had never been inside the ministry before. The others didn't look nearly as interested as they slouched in the offered chairs, and based on the recognition they had received and the lack of interest they had in their surroundings, she knew they had probably all spent time here when they were younger.

"Wait here." Crouch told them flatly. Frank closed the door and then they were alone.

888

"We watched children get slaughtered in the street and there was nothing we could do!" James snapped an hour later, slamming his hand down on the table, making her jump. No one seemed to notice. "Where were you and your aurors then?" he demanded furiously with the tone of someone who knew they were untouchable and owed respect. She wondered if that was what it meant to be a Potter.

Crouch frowned deeply. She had been surprised that he was talking to them personally, rather than leaving them to the aurors, but perhaps it was just another perk of having an important name.

"Who are you to question my leadership?" Crouch asked in a dangerously cold voice. "You think this department doesn't have more important things to deal with than a few rogue death eaters?" he practically hissed. "Those people are dead because untrained, wanna-be aurors were sent in to deal with a situation that they were obviously not equipped to handle. Don't you dare blame the ministry for something you know nothing about. You're a child! Your grandfather would be-"

"Enough!" Moody snapped from the corner where he leaned. Every face turned to look at him, including Crouch, who eyed him with nearly as much irritation as he had offered to Lily and Remus, but though he was Mad Eyes superior he simply nodded, wiping his expression as though someone had shaken an etch-a-sketch. It made her shiver.

She glanced at James beside her. He was still shooting daggers at Crouch from behind his round glasses. Spasms caused his hands to tighten into fists, then splay out in a bizarre fashion as he fought to control himself. She could feel the tension in his muscles next to her, and she wondered how long he might be able to contain himself against this man whom he obviously already had an unnatural hatred for.

She reached out and put her hand on his forearm, hoping the pressure of her hand would help him restrain himself. He glanced at her in surprise and their eyes locked for a moment. She wished she knew what he was thinking but his eyes were guarded and after a moment he took a deep breath, nodded and glanced back at crouch.

"Let's get this over with" he said, his voice clearly strained to sound respectable as she held her breath.

It was the first time she was hearing the beginning of the story, having been on guard duty at the time, though in James' version it was just the five of them rather than seven. No one else spoke, which seemed to suit Crouch just fine as he had very little to say to anyone besides James.

"It was meant to be a routine mission…" James began. But Lily was already picturing the children as they died in the streets, and hearing the screams of innocent strangers as they ran from their worst nightmares. She was slipping in the blood that was already drying on the bottom of her boots, that she would never be able to wash away entirely. She shivered again, and felt James' hand close over her own on his arm as he continued to speak.


	9. Shock

Her touch surprised him almost as much as the look in her emerald eyes when he turned to meet her gaze. He found himself better able to breath when their eyes met, and he took his time focusing on the feel of her hand on his arm, and the flecks of gold in her bright eyes, the calming reassurance in her expression that he hadn't seen in far too long.

He turned back to face a surly Crouch, and had to bite back his dislike for the man once more. He felt Lily shiver against him and forced himself to relax, for her sake, sliding his hand over hers, glad when she didn't pull away.

"It was meant to be a routine mission" he began slowly. "It was our assignment to secure a nearby village against attack. There had been rumors that the death eaters had taken a liking to the place. We had a contact in the village who had brought it to our attention" He shrugged, and he would have run a hand through his hair had they not been tangled with Lily's.

"And where is this contact now?" Crouch asked coldly, as though they been hiding something meaningful from him.

"Dead" Sirius contributed sullenly from his position at the end of the table. Crouch spared him a glance and a frown before turning forwards once more. James caught a sudden movement from the corner of his eye as Mad Eye left his place against the wall and left the room hastily. Crouch didn't seem to notice or care.  
>"We apparated into the woods a few miles away. It was the middle of the night. Didn't want to draw attention to ourselves, especially if there were already death eaters in the vicinity."<p>

They had come across a small river just minutes after leaving Lily in her position near the edge of the woods, where she would be able to watch any nearby comings and goings or retain contact between the group and headquarters. He had felt odd walking away from her, leaving her all alone there in the dark, but he known that she knew what she was doing, and made himself go with the others.

The river had been a blue-green ribbon shimmering in the moonlight from the crescent that hung in the sky above them. It wound through the trees and disappeared, and they followed it for some time, looking for anything out of the usual, any hints of dark magic in the air around them.

Reeds grew thick in the shallows. It had seemed a peaceful enough place and of course they had all assumed that they had made it soon enough, that it would be a simple job to put the enchantments in place to protect the innocent muggles in the village below…

That was when they had spotted the first body, floating in the river, hooked on a rotting log, little more than a shadow against the lapping water.

There had been nothing they could do for him. He had obviously been floating facedown in the water for sometime, and the most they could do was extract him and lay him on the bank so that he wouldn't have floated away if anyone cared to come retrieve what was left of him. There had been no question as to what had killed him. They had been able to sense it, dark magic hanging over the body.

And from that moment they had been on the defense, wands out, knowing that they weren't about to come into the sleepy village that they had been fully expecting.

And finally the houses had come into view; streets of small shuttered buildings, a church steeple in the distance, and the irrepressible feeling that everything was not as it seemed.

Frank had taken charge as soon as they had reached the outskirts, ordering them to split up, though James changed the story smoothly in the telling, leaving Alice and Frank out of it entirely, as though they hadn't been there at all.

They had all believed that the death eaters would have already gone, had had their fun and moved on, or possibly that they hadn't attacked the village at all and the body in the woods had just been someone enjoying themselves a little too much. They had been about to move into the quiet streets…

That was when they had heard the first scream, a horrible sound that there was no getting used to, the kind that someone made when they were suffering unbelievable amounts of pain, and when that pain was being subjected on them by another human being. It had been coming from behind them, back the way they had come, and without discussion they had turned as one and tore back into the trees as other voices joined the first, raised in unbearable agony that he wouldn't have wished on anyone.

Again, they found only bodies, as though someone knew that they were there and had decided to play a game with them. More than one, many more: two men, and at least a handful of women, many of them younger than James himself, and seeing them had felt as though a part of him had died as well. They had all been muggles, clueless and innocent, killed for pure sport. Bloody and mangled, sprawled in the dirt, discarded like trash when they had overcome their use.

When it had started again it came from opposite directions, and they split into two groups. James had spared his friends a last glance before taking off after Frank and Remus.

They had tried to approach more quietly, hoping that their arrival would go unnoticed until it was too late, and as they came up through the trees he thought he saw a dark shadow, or possibly more than one, moving in the dark up ahead, yet when they reached the spot they only found more dead as the sound started up once again somewhere else, drawing them farther and farther from their friends. There was no telling how many death eaters they were dealing with but if he had to guess he thought they were greatly outnumbered.

It was sickening, following the sounds of suffering and failing over and over to reach the victims on time, not really knowing where it was coming from. They got lucky only once, disapparating from the latest torture scene and appearing at the next in the same moment that the screaming began, crashing into two death eaters standing over an elderly couple who had already fallen among the roots of the trees. They caught the masked men by surprise, forcing them to spring to the defense against the attack, driving them away from their victims as curses shot through the trees in both directions.

James dove behind a tree as a killing curse flew over his shoulder, dodging back out as a branch broke from the tree behind him, shooting his own spell in return. He heard Frank swear loudly behind him, but didn't turn to look as his hair was singed.

One of the death eaters was calling to them, taunting them. More screaming had started up nearby, and Remus shot a curse through the trees, but it flashed through empty air as the death eaters disappeared, instead setting fire to a bush as the woods fell silent on all sides.

Frank leant down to check the old couple, but shook his head. Again, they had been too late. They waited for a few minutes, expecting the screams to start up again, but they heard nothing, and soon turned to head back to where they would be able to meet up with the others once again.

The sun had begun to rise, sending dim shadows and strips of daylight down through the canopy above them, offering a source of light besides their wands.

They heard nothing more until they had nearly reached the spot where their group had separated, where familiar voices were raised, almost without fear of being overheard.

That was when Lily had joined them. It had been easy to smile when he had seen her again, to do everything he could to push the dead from his mind, to believe that they might still be able to salvage the day, to save someone, anyone at all.

They had trudged back through the woods, still hopeful and eager though exhausted. The day had risen around them and as the trees thinned they were fully capable of seeing everything around and ahead of them as they headed for the village.

Which was when they had first spotted the smoke rising above the houses below. At first they thought it was coming from the fireplaces of the small homes, then they reached a break in the trees and saw the reality of it all.

The town burned. The morning air was thick with smoke, and drifting red embers floated through the air, spreading the flames. As they watched, an explosion tore through one of the houses, sending brick and wood flying, clouds of smoke and fire and black dust billowing up into the already chocked air.

People swarmed in the streets, hounded by panic and chaos, screaming, not knowing where to run or hide, trying to save their possessions or their loved ones. He watched a cat tearing towards them and disappearing into the trees, probably lucky to escape. He spotted the masked death eaters in the streets, amid the rushing muggles, clearly enjoying themselves as everything burned around them, as they chose victims at random.

The seven of them joined the chaos seemingly unnoticed, taking down a handful of death eaters before the others even became aware of their presence, but it was a small victory. The ambush had been more than effective, and the trick in the woods had both worn them out and bought the death eaters time.

They stumbled over the body minutes before they split up once more. A middle-aged woman sprawled out on the street dressed in muggle clothing, but clutching a wand tightly in one fist. Her eyes stared blankly up at the sky. Frank and Alice paused for a moment. James only recognized her vaguely, and knew he had likely seen her at headquarters, that she had been Dumbledore's contact and friend, that she had died trying to defend an entire town on her own rather than abandon the muggles to their fate.

"You know the rest" he told Crouch, breaking from the retelling. "We were too late. We did everything we could but it was hours before the ministry got involved. We were outnumbered and we had the muggles to think of as well." He glanced around at the others, who looked back at him with blank, exhausted faces, then forced himself to his feet, feeling the strain of the hits he had taken, the hours of running, the adrenaline draining from his body. "Now if you don't mind sir, we've told you everything we know" except for all the lies of course "so unless you plan on hearing the same story a few more times: I promise you that it won't change, I think we'll be leaving. If you need anything else from us we'll be reachable by owl of course."

The others seemed to break from an odd trance at the sudden ending to the interview, shaking themselves from their exhausted slumps.

Crouch rose in turn, picture of politeness as he extended a hand for each of them to shake as Frank led them from the room, escorting them in silence through the crowded offices and corridor, into the elevator, and finally to the lobby where a brilliant fire already blazed in one of the grates against the wall, ready to take them wherever they needed to go. James waited for the others to disappear, spinning through the maze of fireplaces, not for headquarters which wasn't connected to the network, but for Frank and Alice's empty flat, from which they would apparate.

All he wanted was to lie down and shut his eyes, while he was more than aware of the likely flurry of activity that would occupy the next several hours; Madam Pomfrey descending on them with her potions, Dumbledore and the others waiting to hear them repeat the story again and again. Beyond the exhaustion he felt only numb, and was vaguely aware that he was probably in shock.

He stepped into the empty grate, turning to face Frank.

"You did well" the auror told him, with a nod of respect that seemed to acknowledge every word they had ever spoken to each other, to fighting shoulder to shoulder what seemed like days before, but was really just hours.

"See you soon" was the only reply he dared give when any word spoken in public could easily be overheard. He let the flu powder slip through his fingers and a moment later he was tucking his elbows into his sides, enveloped in warmth as he spun away from the ministry.


	10. Love is dangerous

"Hey"

Lily was curled up in the window seat in the sitting room, staring out into the darkness beyond without seeming to see what she was looking at. She had a pillow hugged to her chest and seemed so much smaller than he had ever seen her look before, as if she was folding in on herself.

"Hey."

She barely spared him a glance until he crossed the otherwise empty room to join her in the window, and when her gaze finally turned to him it was with reluctance.

"Are you alright?" he asked, leaving her space but sitting back against the window so that she had no choice but to look at him. She raised an eyebrow and offered him one of her false smiles.

"Fine. Are you?"

He shrugged. Saying he was fine was too easy, too false. They had seen horrible things, yet it wasn't the first time and it certainly wouldn't be the last. He would be alright, but that didn't mean that he already was, or that the night hadn't changed them all in some way, making them harder, angrier, letting them know that they couldn't always win, that being a hero wasn't just a game. He pushed his fringe from his eyes, running his hand through his hair, and catching the first real smile that Lily had had for days.

"What?" he asked.

She shook her head. "Nothing."

"Uh huh…"

"I did miss you, you know" she informed him, surprising him. " I was happy to see you again. And the others too. " She caught his expression and shook her head again.

"But things have changed."

He considered this. "Yes, things have changed, but we haven't Lily. We haven't" he insisted as she gave him a look. "We're still us, the same people we were at the end of last year, and we still feel the same as we did last year, at least I do. I don't know what you think has changed really."

She was frowning, not meeting his eye.

"It's easier this way" she said softly. "We already have enough to lose. I don't think I could take…" she looked at him. "I'm sorry, James, I can't."

It was a final statement, and everything in her voice begged him to let it go, to let her go.

"You're afraid" he said.

"Aren't you?" she demanded defensively. " You want to know why I was so angry when you lot showed up?"

"You said-"

She cut him off. "Yes, I told you, but I don't think you heard the words James, I don't think you really understood."

"I…"

"I was okay here, getting by, learning what it was to fight, to never feel safe, to spend everyday looking over my shoulder, to never see my family or my friends because it was safer that way…."

She took a deep breath. He wanted to reach out and touch her but he was certain that she wouldn't allow it.

"You want to know what I think about when I'm overwhelmed or afraid?" she asked. He nodded but didn't say a word.

"I would picture you safe and happy and free to do as you pleased… Not just you…My family too. My parents, even my sister. All I wanted was for the people that I… that I loved to be safe, and that made everything that I was doing and missing out on… it made it all worth it. I can't picture you like that anymore, because you aren't safe, and who knows when…"

"I'm not gonna die Lily" he told her with a sigh. "Though your vote of confidence is touching."

She shrugged sadly, burying her head in her hands, tucking her knees farther into her chest, as though doing everything she could to block out the world.

He grabbed her hand and pulled it away from her face, revealing one shining green eye that glared at him furiously as he interrupted her private moment.

"We both know I'm not that person Lily. At least I hope you know it. I would never stick my head in the sand when other people need my help. I will never be safe and free while people that I care about are in danger, and that includes you. I'm not about to sit around in my parents house while others die, if that's what you were picturing, and maybe it made you feel better to think that, but it certainly doesn't make me feel better."

"I know" she said weakly, "But it was a happy thought. Worrying about people is exhausting and it was easier that way. You can't blame me either, you're guilty of the same."

She was right of course. For months he had managed to convince himself that Lily was safe at home with her parents, living a muggly life while the rest of the world burned. He should have known better. Normalcy no longer existed, and if it did it had become fear and death and loss.

"Yeah" he finally admitted.

"It doesn't matter anymore" Lily said in a defeated voice. " Let's not talk about it."

He looked at her, and she gazed back at him solidly.

"Lily, I'm still in love with you" he said.

"I know." She looked away.

"And I think that you're still in love with me, but you're too afraid to admit it or give it another go."

"And why aren't you afraid?" she asked, still avoiding his gaze.

"I didn't say that" he told her. "I'm terrified. But I see it differently than you do. You want to have as little as possible to lose, just in case, while I figure we might as well make the most of whatever time and whatever love we've got left. If I'm gonna die I want it to be with no regrets, don't you?"

She didn't answer, but slid away from him and stood.

"I have to go to bed" she said, but he caught her hand as she moved away.

"Think about it" he said. " Cause I'm not going to give up."

She didn't quite manage to hide her smile.

"I'm sorry James" she said once more, pulling her hand away.

"At least let me take you to your sister's wedding" he said. "I know you want to go."

She shook her head. "It isn't safe."

"Sure it is" he said, "It'll be fine. The death eaters wouldn't bother with you, they probably have never heard of you and they don't know you're connected to the order in any case. And even if they did they wouldn't think you would show up to a muggle wedding right? Let me take you. I'm sure your parents would love to see you" he urged.

"I don't know" she said, hesitating at the mention of her parents.

"Well think about it" he said.

"I seem to have a lot to think about."

He smiled. "Yes. You do."

He watched her walk away. "I love you" he called to her as she reached the door. She waved a hand above her head without looking back, but he couldn't help but smile, because he knew that one way or another he was going to win.


End file.
